Amuse-bouche:

“It smells like updog in here.”

“What’s updog?”

“Nothing much, what’s up with you?”

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Today’s Wonderful Words:

an army of ants, a herd of antelopes, a flutter of butterflies…

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Our old apartment complex featured engravings on the sidewalk showing names for groups of animals and corresponding pictures. Along the scenic walk from our apartment to the dogpark, you’d also find a few of these tall, metal cutouts.

Goats, sheep, llamas, rabbits, elk, and many other animals form herds. To categorize any general group of animals, “herd” is probably the closest acceptable default.

In other words, if you don’t know how to classify a certain group of animals, just call the group a herd.

*Strolling through PetSmart*

“Look!” he shouts. He stops and points at the fishtank. “It’s a herd of goldfish!”

The irritated PetSmart employee whispers to their coworker, “Ugh, not again. Did you hear what he said?”

“Yes,” the coworker responds. “I herd.”

What a troubling situation this would be! I take it back – don’t call all groups of animals herds. You should learn what their group names are, starting with the goldfish. A group of goldfish is called a troubling.

Goldfish are the butterflies of the water, so they say.

Do you know why they’re called butterflies? Because they flutter by. 

Wait. Shouldn’t they be called flutterbies? But that would be pronounced fluh-ter-BEES. Maybe that’s why they went with butterflies. They, they, they – who am I talking about here?

This one should be easy to remember. A flutter of butterflies. Could a flutter of butterflies take on an army of ants?

Ants form armies and live in nests, hives, or mounds. On average, ants monopolize 15–20% of the terrestrial animal biomass, and in tropical regions where ants are especially abundant, they monopolize 25% or more. 

You may have heard the term “colony” to describe a group of ants. I like to think of all the ants in the area in and around their nests as an army. If several armies join up, I imagine them as a colony. To classify multiple ants – because when are they ever alone? – either term, “army” or “colony,” works.

Just like ants. They work. A lot.

Imagine you’re running a race. You’re sprinting at top speed when suddenly, you run right into the front leg of an elephant. A stack of cinder blocks would be more forgiving. I’d never want to crash into a crash of elephants, that’s for sure.

Even more terrifying would be crashing into a rhinoceros. Just like a group of elephants, a group of rhinos is called a crash.

A congregation of crocodiles, meeting for their weekly service. Alligators are welcome because they, too, form congregations. The group of crocs and gators sing and pray together, consume bread and scripture as a unified whole, mingle and fellowship till lunchtime. Before parting ways, they wave goodbye and say, one to another, “See ya later, alligator!” “After ‘while, crocodile!”

A tower of giraffes. Makes sense, right? Because they tower over you? Enough said.

A cloud of grasshoppers. Creepy. Makes me think of a plague bringing enough hoppy, crawly insects to cover the sun. 

An honorable mention that didn’t make the engraver’s cut: A group of bats is called a colony or a cauldron. When in flight, the colony or cauldron of bats is called a cloud.

Would you rather be swept away on a cloud of grasshoppers or on a cloud of bats?

The other honorable mention for this list is dedicated to crows, whose group name is red rum. Your palindrome for the day: Red rum, sir, is murder. 

A parliament of owls. These legislative night-birds know all about hoo’s hoo. Click here to learn more about a different parliament.

You’ll see brilliant colors in an ostentation – or a pride – of peacocks.

How to attract a peacock

• Step 1: Find your feathers.
  • Wear a zip-up jacket (preferably with a hood). Leave the jacket unzipped.
• Step 2: Prepare your feathers.
  • If your jacket has a hood, place it on your head.
  • With your right hand, grab the right side of the zip portion of the jacket where it meets the area above your belly button. Grab the left side of the jacket with your left hand.
• Step 3: Display your feathers.
  • While still gripping both parts of your jacket, extend your arms to either side of your body. Take a few prideful struts forward to grace those around you with an extravagant show.
• Step 4: Be ostentatious.*
  • Repeat step 3 until no one is watching (which may take a while).

*Ostentatious: Characterized by vulgar or pretentious display; designed to impress or attract notice.

Again, “herd” is not an inappropriate term for classifying a few zebras hanging out on the plains. Better than “herd” is “dazzle,” and better yet is “zeal.”

When calling on a group of zebras, be sure to put a lot of enthusiasm – or zeal, if you will – into your chant so as not to discourage them.

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Answer to Saturday’s riddle:

The man is 52 years old, and the woman is 39 years old.

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